I found myself lying face down on the bed crying out to God again. My heart was heavy. “Lord, please give me wisdom,” I pleaded dangerously close to tears. It was another time where I felt like I couldn’t do this again.
It was one of those times where I had asked God for wisdom for the same thing over and over again, feeling like it was to no avail. I was slipping further into sins I had begged for freedom from in a situation I longed to be drastically changed. My lips were crying out to God but my heart was looking for an exit. Why wasn’t He changing anything? Why were things not only the same but seemingly getting worse? Why when God says we should ask for wisdom so that He can give it freely and abundantly were things not changing?!
My husband has often reminded me of this old adage that is so simple but so true: if you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got. In this moment of desperation, asking God for wisdom for the umpteenth time and feeling like there was still no change, He whispered into my heart like He always does; so gently and compassionately something I’m quick to forget: He always gives wisdom when we ask for it, we just have to be wise enough to listen.
See, here’s the moment of truth. So many times in any given day does God whisper into my wayward heart ,”My child, for your good and My glory, speak words of kindness, ” as I’m scolding the girls for simple, childish things. Throughout any given day He cautions me against speaking harshly to my husband. Every day He petitions me to spend more time with Him and less time on media. During times of distress, He offers me comfort while I seek it in friends and family instead. He offers wisdom every day and when I ask for it, He gives it graciously and abundantly as promised, but like a stubborn child, I refuse to listen.
Lately I have felt the need to cut things back or out of my life entirely. Still, I find comfort in gossip, complaining, chocolate and TV, none of which are beneficial or profitable. My Savior calls to me when I’m weary and offers me rest, and I wallow with Netflix and sugar instead. I have a terrible habit of rattling off any and every feeling I’m having to my poor husband especially and am run away by despair, and He whispers to me to come. Come and find rest and comfort. Come. And still, I ignore this wisdom and flee, causing discord in our home and unrest in my heart.
Like a doting Father, He instructs me in love, and like a spoiled child, I ask and get exactly what I ask for but it’s not enough. I want more and think I deserve more. It’s not enough that He grants me wisdom but I think He should make all of my troubles disappear as well. Even as a very human and sinful parent, I know my kids need hard things in their life to grow and learn and mature. He never promised that life would be easy and if that’s what I choose to believe, then I wasn’t listening because He says in this life we will have trials but they are for our good and His glory (Romans 8:28) and that our trials produce goods things like perseverance, character and hope (Romans 5:3-4) and that we shouldn’t lose heart because Christ has overcome the world (John 16:33). And in the meantime we can rest in Him because He cares for us.(Matthew 11:28 and 1 Peter 5:7).
God IS faithful and gives wisdom and grace freely, we just have to be wise enough to take them.
“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.” James 1:5